Wednesday, February 29, 2012

17 weeks.

Here we are at 17 weeks/4 months!
Doctor gave me the green light to get now I'm blonde again! Yay, I'm liking the change. :)
This week marks the last week of our 4th month. Snap...that's crazy. I feel like it's going by so fast. August still seems like forever away but as fast as each week goes by, I know it will feel like I blink and there's a baby in my arms.

And that realization has got me putting more thought into what I want to do in baby's room. I have too many ideas right now and if I were to actually get started before I had a plan I know I'd end up with a hot mess in there. Luckily, I'll be seeing 2 members of my decorating committee (Momma and Amy) soon so I have a feeling I may have a theme come together after that. It doesn't bother me in the slightest that we won't know the sex of the nugget to incorporate in the decor. I'm not much into the idea of "this is girl stuff" and "this is boy stuff." Like pink, dolls, and ruffles for girls and blue, trains, and sports for boys. But that topic almost needs an entire post to itself. My point is that even if I knew the sex, it probably wouldn't change the decor or "theme" of the room. If I'm being completely honest there's kind of a reason I've only just started thinking about a baby room. And a reason Chad and I have had minimal conversation on naming the nug. 

I have this wonderful awful useful ability to shut off when I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm not sure exactly when I picked this little skill up but if I had to guess it was probably around the first time I got my heartbroken in college. Unfortunately for Chad (or maybe fortunately since it turned out in the end?) that happened BC (Before Chad) making me extremely leery of getting too close to any boys. I was so good at it that I had myself convinced for a very long time that although Chad and I were dating...I wasn't doing anything really stupid like "falling" for him or anything of the sort. I stayed in this state of denial for quite some time. (We make jokes about this now.) Until one day I got real mad when I realized I actually did care about him A LOT and it would be a mistake to not let myself go and actually feel things for him. Sounds like a cold b-word, huh? Eventually I knew I needed to put myself and my emotions on the line because well....I knew it would be worth it one way or the other in the end. At least I would know how it was supposed to turn out rather than look back later on and think "hmm...what if?" I think about those moments leading up to making that decision a lot. Thank all things holy that I didn't give up. On him or myself. And that was the moment I decided I wasn't moving to Australia and instead I was going to pack my bags and move to Keystone, Colorado to be with Chad and to find out the way our story would end. Oh and because he would be mad if I didn't name drop him.....(haha) we can also thank Justin for actually getting the ball rolling on my Colorado move. Without his push in the right direction and making me feel safer for taking that scary step...I'm not sure it would have really happened. And I'll never forget the conversation my dad and I had one really late night in the kitchen when I was figuring all this out. He's seriously the coolest. I hope he knows how much that conversation meant and still means to me. The way him and my mom were able to step back from the situation as my parents and give me sound advice was so awesome. Especially my mom who I'm sure was wanting to scream "You're my baby!!! Don't move away!!!" I only hope I can do the same for my kids some day. And I hope they love and respect me and my opinions as much as I do with their grandparents. I'm crying. Stupid hormones. :)

The point of all that was to illustrate my ability to somewhat "detach" myself from my emotions when I feel I could get hurt. Miscarriage is a very real thing that can happen to anyone. In fact, studies say it happens in about 20% of known pregnancies. It's likely everyone reading this has either had a miscarriage or knows someone who's had one. Often times you might not know if someone close to you has had one because it's not really something that's fun to talk about. It's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I honestly believe in my heart this happens for a reason and because "it wasn't meant to be" and that's God's and nature's way of telling you this. Does hearing that help the couple who's been through one? Maybe eventually, but a loss is a loss and you do what you need to do to get through it. Since I saw that beautiful positive test, I have been aware it's possible this pregnancy would end in miscarriage. I have reminded myself often that nature will take its course no matter what I have to do/say about it. I can only "control the controllables." Right, Coach? :) For me, I knew how attached I already was to the little nugget inside me and how much love and energy I was sending down there....I couldn't really let myself go further in that by picking out decorations for a baby room and deciding on a name until I felt the need and want to. In fact, I also felt the need to pull the reigns on my sister in law who was trying to get a date set for a baby shower she is throwing for me. I can't have that many balls in the air without having an overwhelming feeling that something will go wrong. Just like with everything else in my life....I felt I needed to take things at my own pace with all the new changes and decisions. But like I said, that's just me and luckily I have a very patient and supporting husband who understands me. He has also helped me realize the best feelings and things in life come to you when you're willing to open up and let them in. So now, here I am.....decidedly feeling pregnant, very attached to this baby living inside of me, and looking toward the future with optimism rather than with fear and timidness.

Love and kindness to all of you. :)
Momma Jo

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